I think trying to pinpoint where it began would be pretty easy but to admit to myself what it is and what has caused me to be this way is the hardest part. Even knowing what my triggers are doesn’t stop the anxiety chipping away at who I am. I want nothing more than to be happy with my one of a kind husband to be and our wonderful children there so perfect but I often feel like I’m ruining everything and they would be better off without me. The chaos in my brain not only stops me from being what I would deem normal if there is such a thing but it stops us from going out. Thanks to the anxiety related tummy problems and anxiety attacks I dread having to leave even the trip to the shop about 5 mins from my front door is a struggle. You feel the anxiety building up at the mere thought of leaving almost like a volcano waiting to erupt. Staying in just becomes the best option before you no if you haven’t been out for a week, a month, 6 months maybe longer. On a good day you can walk it off on the worst days you sit and cry because u feel like a complete and utter waste of space the negative thought grind you don’t until your a blubbering mess. We are a very happy family but I know that I let them down hubby doesn’t let on and says the kids are fine but when you see your children desperate to go out and have fun you know otherwise. We do a lot of indoor play baking making crafting reading and we love building Lego’s so I might start to wonder how bad I really am. Other humans probably see it as I’m lazy and can’t be bothered but what they don’t understand is I have an illness yes it might not be visible but illness all the same who in their right mind wants to stay in 24/7. I’d love nothing more than to travel all over the place exploring and showing the children the world and all the amazing adventures they could dream of but for now a trip to the park and the local farm is the best I can do and if I can do that I know that one day I’ll be able to do more as long as we don’t give up and keep trying the anxiety can’t win. Don’t give up on being your best you x