Building yourself up

For a few years now I’ve lived with anxiety and I always say no to everything not because I don’t want to but because of the crippling fear of embarrassing myself in public. I’ve lost many friends because they don’t quite get it and probably don’t quite understand my anxiety issues and to be honest sometimes I don’t even understand them myself.

On the occasions, I did say yes was ( and sometimes still is) a never-ending knot in my tummy, negative thoughts this will happen that will happen and lots of bathroom trips because for some reason I always feel like I need the loo.  I would take my Imodium not to eat or drink before I left I would be very distressed and uneasy.  The whole time I was out I needed to nowhere the nearest restroom was when I was going to be home. Looking back at the worse times I don’t know how myself or my family put up with me a very stressful way to live. I would never catch a bus because you can’t just get off if it all gets too much I must admit my mental illness has turned me into a control freak I’m not as bad tho I hope.

I had counselling to try and help it did for a while but it can creep back up on you this time when all my anxiety starting spiralling I started to notice patterns in behaviour much sooner and was able to build myself back up.  I started saying yes to going out not every time but a lot more than usual I’ve been finding stuff to do every weekend and im a lot happier from it too. I still have the knot and Imodium addiction which sounds quite odd but I’m starting to live rather than hide from things that may never happen. If battling anxiety has taught me anything don’t run away from your problems face them head on and build yourself back up piece by piece don’t let one bad day set you back.  Just by facing your problems you already winning ❤

 

 

 

 

 

Anxiety and me

I think trying to pinpoint where it began would be pretty easy but to admit to myself what it is and what has caused me to be this way is the hardest part. Even knowing what my triggers are doesn’t stop the anxiety chipping away at who I am. I want nothing more than to be happy with my one of a kind husband to be and our wonderful children there so perfect but I often feel like I’m ruining everything and they would be better off without me. The chaos in my brain not only stops me from being what I would deem normal if there is such a thing but it stops us from going out. Thanks to the anxiety related tummy problems and anxiety attacks I dread having to leave even the trip to the shop about 5 mins from my front door is a struggle. You feel the anxiety building up at the mere thought of leaving almost like a volcano waiting to erupt. Staying in just becomes the best option before you no if you haven’t been out for a week, a month, 6 months maybe longer. On a good day you can walk it off on the worst days you sit and cry because u feel like a complete and utter waste of space the negative thought grind you don’t until your a blubbering mess. We are a very happy family but I know that I let them down hubby doesn’t let on and says the kids are fine but when you see your children desperate to go out and have fun you know otherwise. We do a lot of indoor play baking making crafting reading and we love building Lego’s so I might start to wonder how bad I really am. Other humans probably see it as I’m lazy and can’t be bothered but what they don’t understand is I have an illness yes it might not be visible but illness all the same who in their right mind wants to stay in 24/7. I’d love nothing more than to travel all over the place exploring and showing the children the world and all the amazing adventures they could dream of but for now a trip to the park and the local farm is the best I can do and if I can do that I know that one day I’ll be able to do more as long as we don’t give up and keep trying the anxiety can’t win. Don’t give up on being your best you x

metal health and anxiety update and Self-care tips!

Hi everyone ,hope you are well. I don’t know about you but I’m really looking forward to this year being over. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to get motivated and stay motivated ,recently with the current events ,I’m not even going to mention because I’m sick of hearing about it. All the rules and regulations are fine I suppose we just gotta live with them but would be fantastic if we weren’t all walking on eggshells constantly things changing at a drop of a hat. I wish we could forsea the outcome of it all.

I’ve been really struggling this week With my anxiety and mental health it’s all getting too much and I need to snap out of it tbh but easier said than done. I can only imagine the amount of people who are struggling right now it’s so awful. My advice for anyone who hasn’t dealt with mental health before or someone who is suffering again please get help you don’t have to face it alone. A problem shared is a problem halves as some might say. I’ve compiled a little list below of distractions and coping mechanisms I have personally used to help. I’m no expert mind you but the amount of different therapy’s and treatments I’ve had for anxiety and depression is quite extensive. I used to be quite embarressed because of my mental illness. I’m not anymore we’re all human and sometimes life just gets too overwhelming and stressful and there’s nothing wrong with admitting you may need support accept any help you are able to obtain. That’s the first step I suppose accepting you have a problem and getting any help where you can.

Tip’s

  • Meditation and deep breathing I can’t recommend enough there are some lovely videos avalible on YouTube you can meditate along with.
  • Going for a walk the fresh air and gentle exercise.
  • Get a hobby they can be your greatest distraction for me it’s comping , sewing , blogging this list goes on. It can be anything that makes you happy.
  • CBT self help books can be useful whilst waiting for treatment.
  • Get enough sleep this can be so detrimental to feeling well and defiantly should be top of any self care list.
  • Don’t drink away your problems tempting I know I’ve done it and didn’t help alcohol is a depressant so will only worsen your problems. (Learnt that the hard way)
  • See your doctor and seek help don’t suffer in silence quite possible the most important advice I could give.

Lastly I just wanted to say don’t ever feel you have to suffer alone and don’t ever feel bad about having any of the problems your faced with. Everyone is different we all cope in different ways there is no wrong way . Eventually everything will be ok again, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel as long as you never give up. YOUVE GOT THIS!!!

What are your favourite self-help tips ?I’d love to know please comment below thanks for reading Jade x

Super-woman superhero therapy by DR Janina Scarlet book review #AD

Hi all, hope you are well during this worrying time. many of you know I really struggle with anxiety and going out. I have probably tried everything to manage it and be a bit more me.  anxiety, depression and mental health problems can make you feel alone, vulnerable and like you different from everybody else but statistically, 1-5 women suffer from common disorders like anxiety and depression which is shocking but not surprising. Many of us may not fully understand why we feel this way or like me, I know why but despite my best efforts nothing could be done which has made me spiral back to a few of my negative ways this year hasn’t it been a great one ay! One thing I can do is help myself and with that, I’ve found an amazing book which has come into my life at the perfect time.

I have kindly been gifted a copy of Super-woman superhero therapy for woman battling depression, anxiety and trauma. Written by Dr Janina scarlet and illustrated by Christy Jedigoddess. Dr Janina is not only a licenced clinical phycologist but also a Chernobyl survivor, who take truly unique therapy methods that empower women to use the inner battles they face and turn into the superwomen they are.

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The book itself is really relatable and contains 7 woman stories all different but echo each other. There are so many moments in life that shape us to be who we are often for the best but sometimes for the worst. These moments often have trigger we may not understand but one of the many things this book does is help you to translate what you’re really feeling from your actions and thoughts. For example, I personally always feel as tho I am doing something wrong and I’m not good enough. So when/if anyone is critical or makes me feel they are, I tend to get quite sensitive or lairy. superhero therapy has helped me understand why I feel that way and how to change the negative reaction to a more positive one.

Superwoman therapy will not only help you understand your emotions but help you face them head-on. With all of the practical exercise and a lot of breaks may be needed it can be difficult to face your inner demons.  I definitely feel as though the book has made me kinder to myself and I am slowly breaking out of my negative thought patterns thanks to the way it helps me be more mindful of not only myself but other around me. I can feel my relationships becoming stronger and I know what people need from me and I need from them emotionally.  Time will only tell my biggest stressor is going out which atm I cannot due to the C19 word we don’t mention on this blog.  I do think I will be able to go out like a normal person and have reduced anxiety level which, to be honest, is something I want and my children. We stay in a lot I feel bad for them but at the same time we cannot afford lots of expensive days so I shouldn’t be guilty or beating myself up over it my inner superwoman doesn’t need to beat herself up about things out of her control.

What I loved about super-woman therapy was that  I could work at my own pace with no restrictions no judgment and in my own space. It is also nice to know if I  slip again I have got it on the shelf waiting with my very own support group. This book is an amazing obviously change isn’t going to happen overnight but superwoman therapy,  all it characters and some work from yourself you can feel better without leaving the comfort of your own home.

You can buy a copy  (HERE)if you’d like to not sponsored but I really do believe in the book and its author who is an award winner and from reading superwoman superhero t truly understand why. It will be such a help to so many after reading I do not feel as trapped by my own thoughts and negative behaviours.

 

Thank you for reading and I truly hope you are well.

Stay safe

Jade the super-woman x

 

 

 

 

 

DISCLAIMER: I was gifted this book for the purpose of review but all thoughts and opinion are my own. This post contains an Amazon affiliate link.

 

Living with anxiety

ANXIETY a daily struggle big or small can begin to take over your life. Every thought every fear amplified causing a chemical reaction in the brain which for me leads overwhelming panic a lot of tears. It all began for me when Emily was born in 2014  for days I didn’t really feel like going out and would felt stressed at the thought of going anywhere but I was able to ignore it. I thought to myself well your just a bit nervous going out with the baby didn’t really mention it to anybody which I probably should have as I think this is when it all started to spiral. Fast forward a few months myself and Liam finally had our own flat and the anxiety disorder was getting worse and on one bad day,  I didn’t go out and the next thing I knew I hadn’t been out for a week, a month then was few months it was winter so no one really notices but then I didn’t realise it was a problem at the time I don’t really know what I thought. I did, however, start to get irrational thoughts like someone would steal Emily and we were safer at home which I guess led to me being absolutely overwhelmed all of the time sometimes couldn’t sleep for worrying. I think this was the point I should have probably realised something wasn’t quite right and was barely leaving the house but again I still thought the staying in was normal. Then Emily was almost 2 and never even been to playgroup or really mixed with other people. There were obviously times we did go places but I had a real issue leaving and needing to know where every exit and bathroom was before I could leave often with several stops along the way lots of tears too. Something as simple as going out should be fun and exciting but for me was a nightmare.

The turning point for me was when I saw the health visitor and she asked if Emily liked playgroup and stuff I felt quite guilty for not taking her but still struggled to leave the house. Which in turn lead to mum guilt the thought of her being taken away which I now know is ridiculous my parenting skills and home life is a positive happy and very clean. It is weird to think that someone who is as chatty and outgoing as I had become trapped by my own thought you can’t always tell how someone is feeling.I knew I had to change when  Liam took Emily to see family one day and she just cried and cried until she got home it was then I knew what had to be done. We slowly started to go to playgroup each week which helped me build my confidence than before I knew it could manage the shop both not far from home but was outdoors.  my confidence grew and soon we were going everywhere I didn’t let one bad day rule my life anymore well, for the most part, I’m quite prone to a self-pity party probably because I’m the first person to point out my faults and all the things I hate about myself that probably doesn’t help but I’m working on that too. Having a mental illness has changed me I don’t always recognise who I’ve become but I am a good mother and a one day wife and a mental illness won’t take that away from me. My anxiety is always with me its like having something in you that just sucks away all your happiness and makes things difficult its always there that little niggle which did go fully away for the whole 9 months I was pregnant with Harrison my little healer as soon as he came out I was back to square one anxiety took over I’m not sure if I had any postnatal depression or something else but I’ve always been so scared of someone taking them from me that’s probably not normal but it never goes.

It’s now 2020 I still struggle at times but I just carry on best I can I think i do ok tho I would love to go out more and be a bit more like the fun jade who didn’t have to battle herself every bloody time she leaves the door and one day I will beat the anxiety, for now, I just have to manage it.  My advice to anyone whos not feeling there self don’t hide from it please talk to your loved ones or a doctor they will help you and to the parents who feel like they’re not good enough as long as your doing your best you’re doing ok.

Sorry if that’s a load of rambling but on a serious note take care of yourself and if you don’t feel yourself talk to someone and if your changing from your normal don’t hesitate nip in the bud don’t let it run your life,  now to try to take my own advice ay …

thanks for reading jade x

 

 

 

Councilling and me

Today was my first day of councilling I’ve laughed I’ve cried I’ve worried what people will think. I’ve wanted to run I’ve wanted to cancel the appointment I basically just want to curl into a ball and hide from the world wanting my problems to go away.  I’ve sat and worried about what will happen if I tell the whole truth about my feelings will I be judged will the councilling help will it make me a stronger person and allow me to move on with my life and draw a line through all the trauma and hurt.

A thousand thought and more going through my head all at the same time I’m so tired from it all I’m drained. All that was before I even left which was a struggle in its self but I managed I fought through my anxiety and my worry because deep down I know its time to realise myself of a great burden that has loomed over me for 20 years.

Finally, time to leave the strong jade comes out acting like I’m ok when I’m really not.

 

THREE WEEKS LATER

 

This post was going to be the start of my journey of getting well. That was the plan but after my first session of councilling, I didn’t go back. I  didn’t trust the councillor call me paranoid but I have my reasons.  I was scared to open old wounds and I know that it would cause trouble and even tho every part of it is true I still feel like I have to be quiet. Then the delightful voice of anxiety kicks in making me believe I’ve only got myself to blame, I’m worthless and I deserved it all and on top of all the self-pity and guilt for something that I couldn’t control and in reality, none of it was my fault I was a child.

Mental illness cant be seen nobody else can feel your pain they can only see the chain reaction the self-pity, the destructive behaviours absolutely hating yourself for somebody else actions enough that you keep quiet you keep hidden but if you scratch the surface all the feelings come at once and we fall, we all react to life experiences differently we learn to cope we try to move forward but its not always as easy as we hope and desperately want to be normal. I know myself too well I just want it all to go away but it won’t unless I get the help and talk about it so it all stops having power over me that the real journey.

 

Everyone’s journey is different and everyone will have different problems but no matter what just remember you are important and the way you feel or anything that has happened to you isn’t your fault!  I’m telling you as much as I’m telling myself as long as you don’t give up it will get better. There may never be any healing to our pain but we can talk about it so the words don’t have the power over us anymore and you can work on our feeling and move on. Well, that’s what I hope to do. Admitting to yourself that you have a problem is the easy part living with it may be hard but with the right support, anything is possible don’t give up. I’m no councillor but if I know one thing keeping everything in or ignoring the problem until you erupt is probably the worst thing you can do and will only make you worse.

 

3 weeks ago I went to a councillor and it didn’t help but today I went to my doctor and started to take action to take back the control and not live in such an anxious state I will be a happy mummy. I know one thing for sure the anxiety will not win and neither will the people who have made me this way! Finally, I would like to say councilling may not have worked for me but it may work for you and if it’s available defiantly give it ago mental illness affects us all differently you need to do what’s best for you.

Thanks for reading x

I’m still here

Well here we go it’s been a while since I last posted been a horrific few weeks, the depression took over but now I’m fighting to get back on track.

We’ve had a rather long run of bad luck and it got to the point where I felt like I couldn’t be bothered with anything had no interest in my hobbies, to be honest, I lost interest in everything. Have you ever had so much crap hit you at once you’ve just wanted to give up? I won’t go into it but it’s been awful. Mentally and emotionally draining the crazy teenage jade would have probably drunk herself into oblivion. Coping wasn’t really my strong point back then probably because I was so angry at life and the hand I had been dealt. I didn’t understand triggers or why I was feeling the way I did. I made some very bad choices but I’m proud to say I’ve turned my life around. It took good few years to sink in lots of advice from my aunty and some councilling but got there in the end.

Mentally I go through bad patches of depression but the main battle is anxiety and when bad stuff starts to happen it’s so easy for me  to let myself fall back into the negative habits. It took me a good 2 years to get over my last mental breakdown. I could have easily done it again but instead, I found the strength to get through it and didnt let the negativity win.

No matter how dark things may seem as long as you don’t give up and let the negativity take over we can always find the light at the end of the tunnel, if your struggle ask for help if you need it and don’t give up you got this xx