Goodbye baby

(date 6th may 2021)

I was 9 weeks and 1 day pregnant we’d had a really Great day with kids and lovely picnic tea anniversary treat me and Liam have been together for 8 years as of may 6th. Repeatedly told my family how happy I’m feeling and how lovely our evening had been cradling our little secret baby number 3 probably a boy i just had a feeling.

The day took and unexpected turn I started to bleed nothing crazy just a little. Flashback two days ago I had a scan and couldn’t see anything maybe i just have dates wrong i told myself i didnt really believe it but willed it to be true . my heart was already ready for the heartbreak no woman should have to bear.

They did and internal scan and all was ok measuring ok I think but they couldn’t tell me either way I was filled with dread for days before I couldn’t understand why. I remeber a 9 week scan of emily and i think at this point i suspected something i think my body really did know before everything else happened.

Flash forward to tonight the bleeding starting and the pain in my heart is unbearable I can even put it in words bursting into tears gut wrenching unimaginable pain I can’t bear it willing it not to be real . I call the hospital and am told just take some paracetamol so cold and unreassuring. I sat and cried me and Liam holding each other like never before fearing/ knowing the worst with nothing left to do but wait. There’s nothing you can do but wait the silence the not knowing eating you being told not to worry when all time you just want to scream the emotions to hard to beat. Emily hugged my belly before bed and harrison gave it a kiss it broke my heart even more all we could do was prey everything was ok and rest don’t think Liam will be letting me move anytime soon i thought to myself .

All we could do was wait. I woke up the next day it had stopped so assume all was ok but the worse was yet to come like some cruel trick my body played on me took it easy for a few days as didnt get much advice from the hospital apart from call if it gets worse and ome in on friday as planned for your follow up scan.

Fast forward to sunday any hope my heart is clinging onto is ripped from me unbearable mental and pysical pain , looking back i should of probaly gone somewhere for help or called at the very least i just couldnt i just needed to be at home and left alone. It was really scary ill be honest i dont think ive ever seen anthing like it my life and i would not wish this on anyone

The day after it happend i did the school run pick up harrison at the exact time all the adorbale little newborns come out of baby clinic i made it all the way there being strong but i felt my heart break even more. i think that was the moment my head finally got the magnitude of what had happend i think i must of been in some kind of shock disbelif even tho i knew whats happening its like you dont registar it and its not real even tho you know if that makes sense and then my lovely friend gave me flowers i got home and i dont even know how long i cried for but i managed to pull myself together long enough to get emily.

1 in 4 pregnancys end this way it doesnt discrimate , it doesnt matter if your healthy or not and there are no answers to why it happens and theres no way to stop it. Its heartbreaking , soul distroying and absolutly makes you hate yourself in every way you might feel useless and not its not fair and if you want to scream about it and let the angry go for it nobody can tell you how to deal with it. People dont usually share tehre news until 12 weeks i never understood why now i do , but id say shout it from the roof tops when your ready too and god forbid the wotse may happen youve got the love and support of your family. Me and liam are so lucky to have the support and love of our friend and family to help us through it emily and harrison to keep us busy.

WE are still dealing with it and i dont think we will ever get over it. ill keep the little babygrow we bought in the box and that is our memory ill hold onto the joy and love he brought to us while he could. Hes also made me realise on what me and the children have been missing with this stupid anxiety problem of mine this year we wil go on adventures and live make memories and cherish all the precious moments life is made of.

Finally Liam has been he most amazing partner supporting me mentally and emotionally picking up the slack because i couldnt function properly or stand up right he gave me a telling off for doing school run the day after , which i now understand why i should of probably rested abit more could of listen to him but i needed some sort of normal or i definly wouldnt of got up or moved from my bed. And to my friend who knew thank you for listen to a griveing crazy lady who has to keep choking back tears because life goes on i appriciate all of you. And to any mumma who has every expericance this im sorry , over the past 4 weeks ive learnt of so many of you who have told me what you went through i wish we could just all talk about it freely its a sad part of life and any couple who experiance it deserve the love and support of others i say the 12 week rule should be ignored this day and ages we can support each other no matter the outcome. Thanks for reading.

Jade x

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