ANXIETY a daily struggle big or small can begin to take over your life. Every thought every fear amplified causing a chemical reaction in the brain which for me leads overwhelming panic a lot of tears. It all began for me when Emily was born in 2014 for days I didn’t really feel like going out and would felt stressed at the thought of going anywhere but I was able to ignore it. I thought to myself well your just a bit nervous going out with the baby didn’t really mention it to anybody which I probably should have as I think this is when it all started to spiral. Fast forward a few months myself and Liam finally had our own flat and the anxiety disorder was getting worse and on one bad day, I didn’t go out and the next thing I knew I hadn’t been out for a week, a month then was few months it was winter so no one really notices but then I didn’t realise it was a problem at the time I don’t really know what I thought. I did, however, start to get irrational thoughts like someone would steal Emily and we were safer at home which I guess led to me being absolutely overwhelmed all of the time sometimes couldn’t sleep for worrying. I think this was the point I should have probably realised something wasn’t quite right and was barely leaving the house but again I still thought the staying in was normal. Then Emily was almost 2 and never even been to playgroup or really mixed with other people. There were obviously times we did go places but I had a real issue leaving and needing to know where every exit and bathroom was before I could leave often with several stops along the way lots of tears too. Something as simple as going out should be fun and exciting but for me was a nightmare.
The turning point for me was when I saw the health visitor and she asked if Emily liked playgroup and stuff I felt quite guilty for not taking her but still struggled to leave the house. Which in turn lead to mum guilt the thought of her being taken away which I now know is ridiculous my parenting skills and home life is a positive happy and very clean. It is weird to think that someone who is as chatty and outgoing as I had become trapped by my own thought you can’t always tell how someone is feeling.I knew I had to change when Liam took Emily to see family one day and she just cried and cried until she got home it was then I knew what had to be done. We slowly started to go to playgroup each week which helped me build my confidence than before I knew it could manage the shop both not far from home but was outdoors. my confidence grew and soon we were going everywhere I didn’t let one bad day rule my life anymore well, for the most part, I’m quite prone to a self-pity party probably because I’m the first person to point out my faults and all the things I hate about myself that probably doesn’t help but I’m working on that too. Having a mental illness has changed me I don’t always recognise who I’ve become but I am a good mother and a one day wife and a mental illness won’t take that away from me. My anxiety is always with me its like having something in you that just sucks away all your happiness and makes things difficult its always there that little niggle which did go fully away for the whole 9 months I was pregnant with Harrison my little healer as soon as he came out I was back to square one anxiety took over I’m not sure if I had any postnatal depression or something else but I’ve always been so scared of someone taking them from me that’s probably not normal but it never goes.
It’s now 2020 I still struggle at times but I just carry on best I can I think i do ok tho I would love to go out more and be a bit more like the fun jade who didn’t have to battle herself every bloody time she leaves the door and one day I will beat the anxiety, for now, I just have to manage it. My advice to anyone whos not feeling there self don’t hide from it please talk to your loved ones or a doctor they will help you and to the parents who feel like they’re not good enough as long as your doing your best you’re doing ok.
Sorry if that’s a load of rambling but on a serious note take care of yourself and if you don’t feel yourself talk to someone and if your changing from your normal don’t hesitate nip in the bud don’t let it run your life, now to try to take my own advice ay …
thanks for reading jade x