Today was my first day of councilling I’ve laughed I’ve cried I’ve worried what people will think. I’ve wanted to run I’ve wanted to cancel the appointment I basically just want to curl into a ball and hide from the world wanting my problems to go away.  I’ve sat and worried about what will happen if I tell the whole truth about my feelings will I be judged will the councilling help will it make me a stronger person and allow me to move on with my life and draw a line through all the trauma and hurt.

A thousand thought and more going through my head all at the same time I’m so tired from it all I’m drained. All that was before I even left which was a struggle in its self but I managed I fought through my anxiety and my worry because deep down I know its time to realise myself of a great burden that has loomed over me for 20 years.

Finally, time to leave the strong jade comes out acting like I’m ok when I’m really not.

THREE WEEKS LATER

This post was going to be the start of my journey of getting well. That was the plan but after my first session of councilling, I didn’t go back. I  didn’t trust the councillor call me paranoid but I have my reasons.  I was scared to open old wounds and I know that it would cause trouble and even tho every part of it is true I still feel like I have to be quiet. Then the delightful voice of anxiety kicks in making me believe I’ve only got myself to blame, I’m worthless and I deserved it all and on top of all the self-pity and guilt for something that I couldn’t control and in reality, none of it was my fault I was a child.

Mental illness cant be seen nobody else can feel your pain they can only see the chain reaction the self-pity, the destructive behaviours absolutely hating yourself for somebody else actions enough that you keep quiet you keep hidden but if you scratch the surface all the feelings come at once and we fall, we all react to life experiences differently we learn to cope we try to move forward but its not always as easy as we hope and desperately want to be normal. I know myself too well I just want it all to go away but it won’t unless I get the help and talk about it so it all stops having power over me that the real journey.

Everyone’s journey is different and everyone will have different problems but no matter what just remember you are important and the way you feel or anything that has happened to you isn’t your fault!  I’m telling you as much as I’m telling myself as long as you don’t give up it will get better. There may never be any healing to our pain but we can talk about it so the words don’t have the power over us anymore and you can work on our feeling and move on. Well, that’s what I hope to do. Admitting to yourself that you have a problem is the easy part living with it may be hard but with the right support, anything is possible don’t give up. I’m no councillor but if I know one thing keeping everything in or ignoring the problem until you erupt is probably the worst thing you can do and will only make you worse.

3 weeks ago I went to a councillor and it didn’t help but today I went to my doctor and started to take action to take back the control and not live in such an anxious state I will be a happy mummy. I know one thing for sure the anxiety will not win and neither will the people who have made me this way! Finally, I would like to say councilling may not have worked for me but it may work for you and if it’s available defiantly give it ago mental illness affects us all differently you need to do what’s best for you.

Thanks for reading x